Anti tank rocket.

For the longest time i was a thoughtless mass. Inert, passive, empty. Nothing
Then a miracle happened and I am birthed in the fires of pain and turmoil.
Through hell's flames i emerge into a loveless world, screaming.

My eyes clear, my sense primed, i take in my new reality. The divine plan is in place and all is right.
My purpose is clear. My purpose is to meet YOU.

With that single aim in mind, i hurtle through life at breakneck speed. I pay no heed to the voices around me as i rocket toward my destination. If my life were a race, all that mattered was the finish line. No time for friends, not even family; none of them are worth my time, only my destiny mattered to me. Only YOU matter to me.

There are no walls in my way, for fate has aimed me well
There are no distractions on my path, for the road has been laid straight and bare.
Though i walk through a valley of darkness, even evil fears me.

My single minded determination is unsurpassed.

Half my life rushes by before my eyes as i move over the corpses of those who fell by the wayside, their purposes unfilled, their lives taken before their time.
what passes for my heart cries out for those lost souls. But their deaths spur me on.
All those around me recoil at the sight of me as i rocket through my time in this world


I persevere, but my strength weakens. I am haunted by dreams of my destiny, and the one being whom i am pre-destined to meet. You plague me in every waking hour of my life.

Who are you? When will i find you?

My faith falters and for the first time i feel fear.
What if i end up like the others? Lost, confused and ultimately dying without fulfiling my purpose?
The elements threaten to extinguish my life's flame; to return me to a thoughtless mass.
Inert, passive, empty.
Nothing.


Then a miracle happens and i see YOU
THERE!
There you are.
The one who plagued my dreams; my goal, my destiny. The end result of the divine plan.
You the one i am destined to meet, to embrace.


Contact


You resist me, but i am strong
You repel my initial efforts, but i am resilient
Finally, I break past your cold hard exterior and experience a warmth i have never felt before.
Your unfeeling metal facade falls away and i see you for who you are, the true you; the sad vulnerable creature that is you. Alone in a cruel world, wanting only to be wanted. to be loved.

I am lonely too, but i am happy. Happy that i have finally reached my destination and fulfiled my goal.


Hello.
May i be your friend?

You do not recoil from me like all the others did.
you do not fear me like the evil ones.
Like star-crossed lovers, we embrace.
We allow the fires of our passion to engulf us as you exclaim in ecstacy.
Ecstasy? Pain? Both? I cannot tell. For i am gone.

The moment the fire overcame me, i was long gone.

Was it worth it to forsake everything else for the sake of my destiny?
Was it worth it to have lived a life running down the speedway, never stopping to smell the flowers?
I have died without even knowing how a rose smelled like.
Perhaps it was.
but my life could have been different?

Logical Thought leaves me. All reason leaves my mind.
Our kiss climaxes in one final explosion of intensity.
A feeling of affection unlike any other.


I died in your arms, and you in mine.
A blinding flash brings an end to the world.




*******************************end***********************

Epilogue

Vehicle Damage +30
Destroyed Vehicle +100
Killed an enemy +50

People to talk to VS people to talk WITH

big difference.

People to talk to are people who you can tell about what you did yesterday.
You can tell them about your life, your hobbies, what you do, what you wear etc. It is like a lecture that you give them, and then once that is done, its their turn to give you a lecture about their life. We can enjoy a movie together and then talk about how cool the actor was. We can talk about a stray cat who broke its paw and feel pity for it. Light a candle to celebrate a birthday.



People you talk with are people who you can SHARE WITH.
They would engage in relevant dialogue with you over a topic deeper than those mentioned above. We can share banter over deconstructing a movie's narrative as opposed to just watching a movie for example. Discuss about how pity might be both an encouraging and a discouraging factor for "care". Mull over the metaphorical implications "a candle in the wind" with regards to human life.

THe difference is turn based monologue versus dialogue.
talking versus mutual understanding
shallow versus deep

I have enough people to engage with for the former.
Enough swimming buddies.
I am a diver. The unknown depths call to me, intrigue me. Is there no one else who shares that level of interest?
Everyone seems content on threading water, jumping off spring boards, floating passively.
There is more to the water than its surface.



I need people that i can talk with.
Is there no one else who will dive with me?

Topic deconstruction

A number of possible presentation topics were presented.
Now they are deconstructed (my comments and deconstruction in orange)

please, need comments/help would be very much appreciated for this sem's module.

- World history Learning from the past would allow a better future. Should our roots be remembered no matter how savage or uncivilized they were? Humanity's progress, chronicled for our benefit. What drove our forefathers? (very broad. lots of areas to cover)

- politics a dangerous topic indeed. what indicates the grey area between right and wrong? does might make right? Is always the most convincing argument the appropriate presidential candidate?

- money management the figurative "root of all evil", but is it really the cause of evil? I doubt it. What does it take to do one's own checks and balances? Is it better to work yourself to the bone for more money, or to save up and spend less?

- piano playing a beautiful skill to make beautiful music. Sadly as a presentation topic, it might merely be instructional in nature.


- music the universal language, one that transcends cultures. Very broad, and comes in a myriad variety of genre. Will it be a deconstruction of the music industry as a whole? or will the focus be on a particular genre?


- chinese language with china's increasing prominence, how important is it that people learn its language? Should non-chinese people, caucasians included, pick up chinese? "One language to unite them all" or "stay true to your roots" in racially diverse singapore?

- korean dramas analyse: what is the innate attraction of sad stories? Is it a kind of escapism? But if so, an escapism from what? Life is already sad enough as it is. Or perhaps a "im glad this is not happening to me" kind of feeling? What is this strange stranglehold tear jerking dramas have on the asian populace? Is there a logic behind the emotional flood?

- movie reviews how does one try to be as objective as possible in the evaluation of a movie? What is the line between fact and opinion? Is it possible for one to put aside what he "Feels" about a movie and access a movie for what it is? Is it possible for one to like a bad movie, for one to enjoy a movie that he does not like or for one to not enjoy a truly good movie?(I say yes)

- health issues How does one toe the line between living healthily and being obsessed with health? Would taking the time and effort to live healthily result in a better life or would that time and effort be better spent on other more important matters?

- SG culture Singaporeans mostly look down on themselves. Our own "singlish" has been called crude, our mannerisms rude, "kiasu". In a culture whose main unique point is its composition of various cultures, how does one truly pin point a "singaporean" culture? Are locals being too hard on themselves or are people only remembering the few black rude sheep and basing a generalization of singaporean culture on them??

- story writing the finer points of composing literature. From the historical greats to contemporary fan fiction writing. Is the career as writer at all feasible in talent saturated singapore? Is it a language or creativity issue that prevents people from expressing their stories?

- how to plan "fail to plan, plan to fail", planning is no doubt important. What are the pre-requisites and procedures to start a plan. What happens when a plan does not come to fruition?

- "our future lies in our hands" an excellent topic for determinism Vs free will. But if the bible itself advocates God's "Divine plan"for all of us, how much of the future truly lies in our own hands? Are the choices we make really our own choices or have we already made the choice long before thinking about the choice? Is there fate or only what we make? Where does God(who knew us through and through before we were formed in the womb) factor in if only our own hands determine our future? Does shaping our future against the divine plan not go against the will of God?

- "nothing is free" LOVE is free. For if love is not free from conditions, it is not true love. Then again, what is the concept of "free"? Where do hand-outs of kindness or windfalls of luck factor in? is not satisfaction free? Is "free" only a concept that we choose to bind ourselves with, to tie ourselves down?

- "birth and death is part of life" death, is only the beginning. We never truly die. We either live on in eternal life, or in our legacy. What is legacy? Does one have to be a world shaker, an events shaper, a big player that everyone knows of, just to leave a legacy? Whose life is death a part of?

- friends are important"What constitutes a "friend"? What defines a friend? How important is a friend? Would you save your friend or your family member? Can friends instead be burdens? Can friends be merely using you as a means to an end? Excellent topic with room for sociological insight.

- role as a daughter Does sexism among offspring still exist in today's families? Are daughter's and son's roles all that different in a family? Is it a cultural thing, a result of our male favoring chinese heritage? What is the role of a daughter......really.

- "don't take anything for granted"What constitutes "anything"? and what determines "taking for granted"? very vague. Is it a case of "you wont miss it till you lose it?", or perhaps about treasuring each moment of life? In that case, are the terrible moments even worth treasuring at all?

- fighting for what one wants How does one determine what one truly "wants"? Is it an emotional impulse to say "i want this" without proper logical evaluation? Do we truly deserve what we want to have? There is a fine line between tenacity and foolhardy, between "never say die" and delusional. Is a "want" a "need"? Do we need to have "wants"? When does fighting for, lets say, a higher grade become just plain anal complaining?(afterall, a grade is an indication of how much knowledge on has. With only 75% knowledge, does one deserve 100% grade?) Where is the line drawn between fighting for something and accepting the loss of that thing? Sometimes retreat is the better part of valor.

- importance of education Has the true importance of education been warped? What is education? Is it important as it allows us to expand our understanding of the world, grow, improve and advance our knowledge and lives as human beings? Or is it important just because of career opportunities and the piece of paper that lists one's qualifications? Why work to learn? Do we learn to become better people, or do we learn just to ace an exam? Is an exam the "end" and studying merely a "means to that end"?

- gaming more addictive than drugs, what is the draw of gaming? Is it something deeper than just escapism? Does identity construction come into play? When a game becomes serious(played for money, or as a career), is it still a game or a tedium? What different sets of skills does one need to participate in different games? Should one just jump into a new game as a complete newbie or train one's skills before starting a game?

- psychological horror the psychology of horror. Is horror scarier when not seen? What makes people scared? Is it harm or the potential for harm?

- zombies the science behind re-animating corpses.

How is a sunrise on a cloudy morning like God?

You can't see it, maybe not clearly and maybe not at all, but you know its there.

You cannot see it directly but you can feel its warmth.

Both brighten up your day.

On Karaoke

I have finally discovered the deeper meaning behind Karaoke.

This might seem like making a mountain out of a molehill but hear me out.

Karaoke is not a test of singing ability nor an opportunity to waste money and time. The inherent meaning that i've given to karaoke goes much deeper than that.

Karaoke is a test of trust and friendship of yourself toward your friends.

By belting out your slightly out of tune voice to the off beat tempo of some misbegotten song, what you are doing is actually "letting your guard down".
You are opening yourself up to criticism, critique and maybe even ridicule.

ADMIT IT. Even you are quick to flame some youtube guy with a terrible singing voice with a "OMG that sucked, why did you even waste your time? Give up singing".

Its so easy.
Cos you dont know them. You dont care what such comments do to their feelings.

THat being said, "friends" dont just "shut up and say you're good".
Cos when that happens, and you know full well that the last chorus was a whole beat off, it would only serve to highten your insecurity.
"are they really telling the truth about my singing?" you will think to yourself.



When you sing karaoke, do the following.
1) Ask yourself
"Do i trust my friends enough to open myself up to criticism or possible ridicule?"
- If its a resounding yes, the ask yourself why. IF you can justify that, then your faith in your friends is rock solid and most likely their faith in you is too.
Sing away!

2) monitor their reactions without monitoring their reactions.(dont look like you are monitoring their reactions and just sing dammit. Dim the lights if it helps)
- the "best" friends wont just "shut up and say you're great" and neither will they ridicule you.
The best friends highlight your strengths but at the same time not just highlight your weaknesses, but lead you to improve on your weaknesses in a way carefully crafted to preserve your ego.

3) At the end, the feeling you should feel is satisfaction. Not embarrassment, not boredom, and not pride either.
Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes, you have to allow your friends a look at your weakness to remind them of your flawed animal nature. Flawed just like any other animal, even your friends.

The only question is, are you willing to take the leap?

The fine like between "normally flawed" and "hopelessly flawed"(see "chui") is obviously called into question.
to answer the difference
1) a "chui" person shows A LOT more flaws than strengths. THe old mental ratio is 5:2. 5 strengths is equivalent to 1 flaw. Let "flaw" be "-3" and let "strength" be "1".
2 flaws is enough to negate all the "good" that 5 strengths have contributed to your "image".
As such, play on your strengths but never fear and never hesitate to admit and show a flaw.

2) a "chui" person insists he is not flawed/refuses to admit his flaws. Simple and obvious enough to understand.
However OVER-STATING a flaw is also bad (like constantly telling "I cant sing for nuts"). It now comes across as a bad excuse for your flaw.
PS: It helps to admit a flaw before carrying out the act to which you are not proficient in.

So yea. Karaoke is more than just fun singing.

Think about it.

My study rooom is what i make of it

Bro got real sick today. As such, my study room today was tan tock seng hospital. Normally i would lament the lack of a condusive environment to study in, but instead i chose to reshape my reality. Where i was ceased to be a hospital. In my mind, in my reality, it is a condusive study room.
Whatever doctors or nurses walking around, old sick people coughing behind me, they are all figments of my imagination.

A little bit of delusion works wonders.
I completed the whole syllabus within the 4 hours spent there. Mental fatigue was at an all time high.

Imagination is a wonderful thing to help one construct his own reality.

The evening was met with a torrential downpour. A simple trick of the mind was all it took to imagine a rain free road. Well in fact i pulled a memory of that same road on a sunny day and superimposed it over the current image.......or lack of image rather, of a rain obscured highway.

sigh........exams are coming. Tuesday.

Sometimes i wonder if all this sacrifice is worth it. Sacrifice leisure time, time with friends, etc, all for studying.
Then my evil part of my brain kicks in.
And my theory is laid bare again.

Why study so hard??
Well if my intellegence level is 10 and most other people's intelligence level is 20(like some ppl in my class. Really bright people).
To retain 90% of the knowledge i desire, one must put in 30 skill points.
So if i ony have 10 intelligence points to contribute VS 20 points that other people have, that means in order to attain the same level of knowledge as those others, i have to study for up to 20 study points, which is twice that of what the intelligent people study.

But really, sometimes i feel the payoff isnt worth it.

I need a break.
I wonder if DD's dad will lend me a good DVD. maybe i should try to ask her......

What a great way to start off the week

I started the week with a horrible bout of stomach flu.
Thats right. Stomach flu from saturday morning to sunday afternoon: most likely caused by "presentation-stress" on friday.
Frag it man........why do i always get sick after presentations.....ALWAYS. Thanks to that i missed an outing on saturday.....

Bloody deferment didnt go through..............dont care, must try again. gonna spam them until i get the darn thing differed.

Exams closing in, creeping up on me like some sick python in the night. The darn coms217 project isn't doing well. I believe this course is a gonner for me. And no hope of re-taking it too since its got a stupid project.

Someone's birthday is coming up.....................should i do anything? should i even say anything after what happened??

And some guy gave me dating advice
"fully plan your date and just bring the gal along with your plans. Don't need to consult her, she should just go along with you since you're the man, you make the plans, you're in charge".
So.........a gal's role in a date is just to sit back, shut up and take whatever a guy puts in front of her face?? Pure typical neanderthal male chauvanistic thinking. I might ask the gals about this some day. If they say "yes"(that they do like the guy to do all the planning for dates and dont mind just taking whatever plan is put infront of them) then i guess my old primary school thinking was right all along, that females really like to be bossed around by alpha males and don't appreciate a proper 1 for 1 equivalent complementary relationship.


I dream of going to watch a movie soon. Darn exams are only a week away so WHY AM I TYPING THIS!!! FINGERS!!! STOP WAT YOURE DOING!!!!

thank you


I'm gonna suggest a movie outing after the exams.
Not just to the gals i think. I could also try the dynamic duo, i just hope they dont have plans after the exams.............
cos really, i need to REVIEW something soon.