Soul outpouring

It is so hard to keep reminding myself why i do what i do.

Why? Why do i study? I keep telling myself that it is only for my own desire to acquire knowledge, for self improvement. Yet all around me, that purpose is lost. Only two(not counting family) have ever understood education for what it truly is.

Exams are not an "end" that we study toward, but only a means to determine the proficiency of our acquired knowledge. Nobody else i know seems to understand that. Results seem to mean the world to them when it is only supposed to exist merely as a gauge not a prize. Is that why i am so different? That my ideas are different? They are not wrong, my ideas. The very philosophy and purpose of "study" has been clearly stated by the scholars and the educators to be the advancement of knowledge. I am not wrong.
It is the others who are wrong, those who regard studying as merely a means to acquire good results, and then place so much emphasis on those results.
Yet among the wrong, I stand out as the deviant............

Sometimes i envy you, but i can never tell you that.
You are different from the world, yet similar to the world.
You do not have the burden of being a role model
Not to mention the cornucopia of friends you have........and yet you find the time to further your knowledge in academics.
I see a drive in you, an honest desire for the pursuit of knowledge much like my own. Is it true? Do you really believe in the true purpose of studying?

i envy you.
So many friends, so smart, so fun loving, so unusual yet so typical. I envy you.
I can never live up to that.

I am different, and i have paid the price for my difference. Speaks a lot about me when i realise that i have had more friends in the past 7 months than i ever did in 14 years.
I have had my crisis of faith, where my beliefs in the true purpose of studies are shaken by the words of those around me.
We are more than just rats chasing after the cheese that is "good results."

......................
how...how can i become more than "just a friend from school" to you? I look at you, and i see so many strings, so many attachments, so many people connected to you. How can i go from being just another string to perhaps, a special string?
I try to talk to you, i try stepping out of my comfort zone.
Is that enough? Do i have to do more to be more than "just another friend"?