full life consequences..........

I made a great discovery. today.
I re-discovered why i never liked surprises. It causes the heartbeat to race like crazy, like a F1 car doped to the gills on amphetamines.

I do not like the idea i was surprised with, but i shall go along with it nonetheless. I can sacrifice a little reputation for 20 minutes as a gesture of love and trust. I love my friends, therefore i shall do this for them. I trust they know what they are doing.

How can anything be done without love? How does anyone find the drive to do anything that they do not like to do?
I know i cannot.
That is why i do not do what i do not love.

With enough headache when it comes to "love", the last thing i want is "hate".

I know that studying is not just to pass exams, but to acquire new knowledge. My acquisition of knowledge is never enough.
Today, the question of work came up.
No, i cannot work. If i do work, it would interfere with my acquisition of knowledge or my few fragile strings attatching me to friends.
I cannot afford that risk. I cannot afford to have the few strings i hold affected by work which do not have much love for. I cannot have my acquisition of knowledge cut short.

If that happens.......i might hate work, just as how i used to hate it.
I am not a genius. Most people can afford to read a book once and know it all. I need to do it three times.
While i read the book two more times, others can play, or work.
I cannot.
I have tried once, working while studying. The endgame was horrible, the money earned was not worth the time, friendships and knowledge that was lost.

Please.....i do not deserve to be labeled "clever". I pay the price for my "cleverness", with a few precious strings and a record of unemployment..........