I am sorry. Please don't think any less of me that i already think of myself.
Shock comes easy.
Imagine when preconceived ideas are shattered, when revelations are made so new and earth shaking that cause the very fabric of reality to crumble.
No nothing that serious.
But i have to admit, i never took well to surprises. It is a flaw of mine. A terrible flaw.
In the end, i just want to know what i always seek to know......."Why?"
Why are things done the way they are? Why is a path of grudging suffering chosen so readily instead of an alternative?
I react with curiosity. To know more. I want to know more.
But how can i know more without offending those i care about?
If a child sees something new, he will question it, he will feel it, he would query. I will not deny my inner child. But sometimes i............................
ARRGH!!!
What the heck.
I dont know what i should do. I think(think only, but i have evidence to believe) that i have offended someone I care about.
I didn't know. I could blame my limited exposure to humans in general. I could blame past experience.
But i will not. I will and can only blame myself.
Impulsive.
In the overall balance of things i was swinging too much into logic with no care for emotion. A fatal mistake. A critical error.
All I could think about was the cold hard facts, numbers and letters. Logic.
I could only see your face, but not what was happening behind it. I could not tell the nuances behind your eyes.
For a single moment of unbalance, the price came too greatly. U got angry, i misunderstood.
I am sorry, but i dont know how to tell you this.
I hope by writing this, i can collect my thoughts and......prepare a proper apology.
Please don't think bad about me. Please forgive my mistakes. All i ever want is to know more. But i guess, first i have to know how to ask questions.
In a moment, in a heartbeat, I have failed my own doctrine.
Balance, became unbalance.
You were good to me, yet I neglected your emotions, pushing forward with unfeeling logic. You befriended my when few others would, you gave me a chance. And in a moment of unbalance i let you down.
Sometimes i regard myself as less than human. Sometimes, it is only the friends that i have that remind me of my humanity. That i am actually worth something to someone other than my family.
Then again, humans are not perfect.
I've been told i dont smile.
It is not that i am sad or anything. I am happy when im among friends. Its just that I have never been told how i look when i smile.
I always thought i look weird when i smile. Hence my default face is one of no emotion.
Scientifically speaking i have lost some weight and hence the skin on my face starts to sag causing wrinkles when i smile. Which look terrible.
Maybe what i really need, and never got, was some reassurance, any reassurance that my smile is a nice smile. But i guess maybe that is too much to ask
still friends?
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6 years ago
I don't mean to be rude, I am direct, but I mean good. Trust me.
ReplyDeleteYou compromise, tipping the balance from the others to the self, and then back to the others. Emotions get in the way, no problem to that, differences have to be resolved for union to occur (you know what i mean). But if i were to ask, what is your stand? Are you still steadfast in your beliefs?
You state that logic makes you cold and unfeeling, objective and uncompromizing. Is it true? or is rather emotions crumbling away at your beliefs, your logic, your identity?
I am not cold and unfeeling. But I do not share my version of your theory with anyone I meet. Yes, there are many, girls, and potential candidates, but there can only be one complimentary wife. we cannot become slaves to love, because without someone with equal ideals, their love is never eternal.
If your ideals are not respected, you are not respected. Unless you denounce them, such discrepancies can never be fully compromised.
Whatever you do, don't reason out alone. Thoughts of a deranged mind will bring you nowhere but into a neurosis far from the truth (as I have experienced). Talk to people- mentors, teachers, anyone with the wisdom to guide you along (not some bobo minded dodo). It dosent matter whether you take the socializing path or the theoratical path, your ultimate objective should still be Truth.
Anyone else reading this, if you think any of these words are wrong, i beesech you to drop the formalities and speak your mind. We are tired of the pretence of this world trying to compromise itself to a stand it never wishes to compromise. Just one thing on the way, if you think the same way as I do, then there will be really no need to rebut my arguments.
Live on, dude. There is so much more to true love than this. Reason alone will not suffice this post of persuation. You'll need more than an affirmation to move on. Consult a priest, or a mentor- and till we meet, all the best to your life.
Very Sincerely,