Don't ask

1 exam finish.

means 1 picture i can draw.



very rough ya i know.

Barely 40 minutes of work(half of which was just sitting there thinking if it should be long or short hair(hence the lots of eraser marks around her head.)

I think I am only human

I am sorry. Please don't think any less of me that i already think of myself.



Shock comes easy.
Imagine when preconceived ideas are shattered, when revelations are made so new and earth shaking that cause the very fabric of reality to crumble.

No nothing that serious.
But i have to admit, i never took well to surprises. It is a flaw of mine. A terrible flaw.

In the end, i just want to know what i always seek to know......."Why?"
Why are things done the way they are? Why is a path of grudging suffering chosen so readily instead of an alternative?

I react with curiosity. To know more. I want to know more.
But how can i know more without offending those i care about?

If a child sees something new, he will question it, he will feel it, he would query. I will not deny my inner child. But sometimes i............................

ARRGH!!!
What the heck.

I dont know what i should do. I think(think only, but i have evidence to believe) that i have offended someone I care about.
I didn't know. I could blame my limited exposure to humans in general. I could blame past experience.
But i will not. I will and can only blame myself.
Impulsive.
In the overall balance of things i was swinging too much into logic with no care for emotion. A fatal mistake. A critical error.
All I could think about was the cold hard facts, numbers and letters. Logic.
I could only see your face, but not what was happening behind it. I could not tell the nuances behind your eyes.
For a single moment of unbalance, the price came too greatly. U got angry, i misunderstood.

I am sorry, but i dont know how to tell you this.
I hope by writing this, i can collect my thoughts and......prepare a proper apology.
Please don't think bad about me. Please forgive my mistakes. All i ever want is to know more. But i guess, first i have to know how to ask questions.

In a moment, in a heartbeat, I have failed my own doctrine.
Balance, became unbalance.
You were good to me, yet I neglected your emotions, pushing forward with unfeeling logic. You befriended my when few others would, you gave me a chance. And in a moment of unbalance i let you down.


Sometimes i regard myself as less than human. Sometimes, it is only the friends that i have that remind me of my humanity. That i am actually worth something to someone other than my family.
Then again, humans are not perfect.


I've been told i dont smile.
It is not that i am sad or anything. I am happy when im among friends. Its just that I have never been told how i look when i smile.
I always thought i look weird when i smile. Hence my default face is one of no emotion.

Scientifically speaking i have lost some weight and hence the skin on my face starts to sag causing wrinkles when i smile. Which look terrible.

Maybe what i really need, and never got, was some reassurance, any reassurance that my smile is a nice smile. But i guess maybe that is too much to ask

still friends?

full life consequences..........

I made a great discovery. today.
I re-discovered why i never liked surprises. It causes the heartbeat to race like crazy, like a F1 car doped to the gills on amphetamines.

I do not like the idea i was surprised with, but i shall go along with it nonetheless. I can sacrifice a little reputation for 20 minutes as a gesture of love and trust. I love my friends, therefore i shall do this for them. I trust they know what they are doing.

How can anything be done without love? How does anyone find the drive to do anything that they do not like to do?
I know i cannot.
That is why i do not do what i do not love.

With enough headache when it comes to "love", the last thing i want is "hate".

I know that studying is not just to pass exams, but to acquire new knowledge. My acquisition of knowledge is never enough.
Today, the question of work came up.
No, i cannot work. If i do work, it would interfere with my acquisition of knowledge or my few fragile strings attatching me to friends.
I cannot afford that risk. I cannot afford to have the few strings i hold affected by work which do not have much love for. I cannot have my acquisition of knowledge cut short.

If that happens.......i might hate work, just as how i used to hate it.
I am not a genius. Most people can afford to read a book once and know it all. I need to do it three times.
While i read the book two more times, others can play, or work.
I cannot.
I have tried once, working while studying. The endgame was horrible, the money earned was not worth the time, friendships and knowledge that was lost.

Please.....i do not deserve to be labeled "clever". I pay the price for my "cleverness", with a few precious strings and a record of unemployment..........

Soul outpouring

It is so hard to keep reminding myself why i do what i do.

Why? Why do i study? I keep telling myself that it is only for my own desire to acquire knowledge, for self improvement. Yet all around me, that purpose is lost. Only two(not counting family) have ever understood education for what it truly is.

Exams are not an "end" that we study toward, but only a means to determine the proficiency of our acquired knowledge. Nobody else i know seems to understand that. Results seem to mean the world to them when it is only supposed to exist merely as a gauge not a prize. Is that why i am so different? That my ideas are different? They are not wrong, my ideas. The very philosophy and purpose of "study" has been clearly stated by the scholars and the educators to be the advancement of knowledge. I am not wrong.
It is the others who are wrong, those who regard studying as merely a means to acquire good results, and then place so much emphasis on those results.
Yet among the wrong, I stand out as the deviant............

Sometimes i envy you, but i can never tell you that.
You are different from the world, yet similar to the world.
You do not have the burden of being a role model
Not to mention the cornucopia of friends you have........and yet you find the time to further your knowledge in academics.
I see a drive in you, an honest desire for the pursuit of knowledge much like my own. Is it true? Do you really believe in the true purpose of studying?

i envy you.
So many friends, so smart, so fun loving, so unusual yet so typical. I envy you.
I can never live up to that.

I am different, and i have paid the price for my difference. Speaks a lot about me when i realise that i have had more friends in the past 7 months than i ever did in 14 years.
I have had my crisis of faith, where my beliefs in the true purpose of studies are shaken by the words of those around me.
We are more than just rats chasing after the cheese that is "good results."

......................
how...how can i become more than "just a friend from school" to you? I look at you, and i see so many strings, so many attachments, so many people connected to you. How can i go from being just another string to perhaps, a special string?
I try to talk to you, i try stepping out of my comfort zone.
Is that enough? Do i have to do more to be more than "just another friend"?

I can't believe i watched a romantic comedy!!

I just can't believe it.

Today, my friends and I went over to Plaza singapura for a movie outing. Great bunch of friends. Said once, will say it again, and will say it many times over. I consider myself truly blessed with such a bunch. Close friends, good friends. Best of friends all.

Before i break into tears of joy again, let me just say that i initially had in mind to watch the movie "Gamer". Actually I already watched it, somewhat. But i would have loved to seen it in cinema, on the big screen. It is a throwback to the late 80s styled ultraviolent action films set in dystopian futures but with many thought provoking social/political themes.(think stuff like Robocop, Total Recall, Blade Runner etc). Also it was starring Gerald "this-is-sparta" Butler.

So well, being the only guy in an all-girl group kinda negated my chances of watching that show. On the other hand, i got to watch ANOTHER movie that also starred Gerald "this-is-sparta" Butler.

A romantic comedy "The Ugly Truth"(review to be in next post. And honestly, i think it would be my last film review on this blog. My other new movie blog needs some attention). Watched it, and liked it.

I liked it very much. I dont know why. Long time friends would know that Samuel usually shuns such genre of films. How in the world did Sam suddenly start to like a romance comedy??

Honestly, i dont know. Something "clicked". Maybe it was that small part of me that became a fan of "Love Hina" and other funny romance manga/anime back from many years ago..........Is that me? Is that "me" still a part of me??

Its "that" Sam. The quiet, innocent, bored-with-life Sam from so many years ago. The "Sam" surrounded by classmates and colleagues, but not friends. The lonely Sam who thrived on the escapism presented in television, movies, comics, anime and manga. It was escapism that led me to pick up drawing way back when.

Hello "that Sam", my name is "now Sam". How have you been??
You've changed.

You're not bored with life anymore. I see a renewed vigour in you. A new love for living, a new purpose that drives you.
You're not that quiet anymore. Maybe all you needed were some actual friends you could talk to. You have friends now.
You're not lonely anymore. And for a while, you didnt need escapism anymore.

But you still like the formal don't you? The tried and tested predictable formula of a romance comedy. You still like anime and manga don't you?
You've changed, yet some of you never change.
There is room in this heart for you and what you used to like.

Welcome back.

Ribbons anyone?

Within a single day today, i noticed up to 10 or more "fake ribbons".

Is this a rising fashion among teens??

Let me explain. More Girls is see are wearing RIBBONS in their hair.
Not those REAL ribbons that you actually use to tie your hair and finish off in a cute little bow knot, but FAKE ribbons that are actually plastic hairbands or hairclips with a ribbon ornament design on top.

I intend to ask my friends about this rising trend im observing.

Is it supposed to look cute? or a leftover from younger days?

Cos those i saw wearing the ribbons are either from my university, or do not look any younger than 15.

OR is it some sort of "act cute" thing?

ai............not having a sister to ask this sort of thing is a huge disadvantage....

Why the business/pleasure seperation?!?!?!

There is something very wrong.

Why is it so difficult for people to "get down to business"?? To start working when the time to work comes?

Ya fine, mix business with pleasure, i'm all for that. But NOT mixing business with DISTRACTION. Fine line between DISTRACTION and pleasure.

Pleasure is derived from the business at hand. The satisfaction of completing a task, the relevant intellectual banter between co-workers, the feel of elation when the ideas get put into words; NOT the booming of bad music or off-topic ramblings!

God save my soul. I may end up more behind schedule than i thought..............